Repair, Forgiveness, and Healing

Untangling forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust in the context of domestic violence

Domestic violence is not merely “marital difficulty.” It is a pattern of oppression, (often hidden, often minimised, often spiritualised) where one person uses power to restrict another’s liberty, voice, and safety. In that setting, Christian language can be misused: “forgive and forget,” “reconcile,” “submit,” “don’t involve authorities,” “it takes two,” “God hates divorce.”

Scripture does not ask the oppressed to collaborate with their oppression. God’s people are called to justice, mercy, and faithfulness (Matthew 23:23), to speak up for those who cannot speak (Proverbs 31:8–9), and to expose the unfruitful works of darkness rather than become partners with them (Ephesians 5:6–11). Jesus’ “fruit test”: “each tree is known by its own fruit” (Matthew 7:15–20; Luke 6:43–45), helps us see what is real when words, tears, and reputation management obscure the truth.

This article sets out a scriptural framework for repair and healing, carefully distinguishing forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust. It follows the approach we teach in Breaking the Cycle and By Their Fruit: attend to patterns, prioritise safety, and measure repentance by enduring fruit.

Start where Scripture starts: fruit, not appearances

Jesus warns that outward religion can mask inward predation (Matthew 23). John the Baptist insists on “fruits worthy of repentance” (Luke 3:8). Paul commands discernment: “Let no one deceive you with empty words” and “have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:6–11). In domestic violence, “empty words” often include selective confession, image management, spiritual language used as camouflage, and pressure for quick access or “closure.”

A wise biblical order is:

• Name the work of darkness (Ephesians 5:11).

• Prioritise protection of the vulnerable, especially children (Proverbs 31:8–9; Matthew 18:6).

• Call the sinner to repentance proven in conduct over time (Luke 3:8; 2 Corinthians 7:10–13).

• Only then consider what forms of relationship, if any, are safe and appropriate.

Forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust are related—but not the same

In domestic violence, these words are often collapsed into one demand: “forgive, reconcile, and trust again.” That collapse harms the victim and protects the abuser. Scripture keeps them distinct.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is about what the victim does with vengeance and moral debt before God. It is not a tool to restore proximity on demand. Believers are commanded not to repay evil for evil, but to entrust final justice to God (Romans 12:17–19). Forgiveness can coexist with strong boundaries, because boundaries address safety and wisdom, not vengeance.

In practice, forgiveness does not automatically mean:

• resuming contact,

• granting private access,

• meeting face-to-face, or

• removing legal or protective measures.

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is relational restoration. It requires truth-telling, ownership without excuses, demonstrable change, and sufficient safety for the harmed person to participate freely. When danger is present, Scripture commends prudence: “the prudent sees danger and hides himself” (Proverbs 27:12). Even Jesus withdrew from those intent on harm (John 8:59). Reconciliation is never commanded at the expense of safety and justice.

If reconciliation is ever appropriate, it must be survivor-led (no pressure), slow (no deadlines), and contingent (revocable if harm returns), measured by fruit over time rather than words or tears.

Trust

Trust is earned confidence based on evidence. It is not a virtue the victim “owes.” Scripture commands discernment: “Beware” (Matthew 7:15), “test what is pleasing to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:10), and “be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). Trust can only be rebuilt by sustained, observable fruit: humility, respect for boundaries, transparency, accountability, and long-term safety.

What repair looks like when repentance is real

Repair is often mistaken for emotional closure or a returned marriage. Biblically, repair is repentance made concrete. Godly grief produces change (2 Corinthians 7:10–13), and true repentance bears fruit (Luke 3:8).

Repair in domestic violence commonly includes:

• Ending all control channels (intimidation, monitoring, harassment, financial domination, manipulation through third parties).

• Accepting consequences without protest, including legal orders and loss of privileges.

• Making amends without conditions or leverage (financial, practical, parenting-related), and without using money to buy access.

• Submitting to independent, abuse-literate accountability, not friendly oversight that preserves image.

• Demonstrating empathy for impact, especially toward children, and embracing long-term reformation.

Healing for the oppressed: liberty, truth, and steadiness

Healing is not “returning to normal.” In domestic violence, “normal” may have been bondage. Christ’s mission includes “to set at liberty those who are oppressed” (Luke 4:18).

Healing usually grows where these realities are protected:

• Safety first (physical, emotional, spiritual).

• Truth without minimising, naming sin as sin (Ephesians 5:11).

• Support that honours agency; coercion must not be replaced with “church coercion.”

• Wise confidentiality on a need-to-know basis, because communities can be recruited into control.

• Stability for children and protection from harm (Matthew 18:6; Colossians 3:21).

Where safety and truth exist, the fruit of the Spirit can regrow (Galatians 5:22–23): peace, clarity, self-control, and steadiness.

Scripture often misused: maintain a safer reading

Certain verses are frequently weaponised against victims. A truly biblical reading refuses to invert God’s priorities.

“Forgive” means I must meet with him or remove boundaries.

Forgiveness releases vengeance to God; it does not grant private access. Boundaries are an expression of wisdom and protection (Proverbs 27:12).

Matthew 18 requires face-to-face meetings.

Matthew 18 aims to address sin and protect the community. In coercive-control dynamics, compelled meetings commonly increase risk and enable manipulation. Protection of the vulnerable is a clear biblical priority (Proverbs 31:8–9; Matthew 18:6).

“God hates divorce” means separation is never acceptable.

God hates violence and treachery. Using “God hates divorce” as a club to force endurance of oppression misuses Scripture and protects sin. The consistent biblical direction is to expose darkness, pursue truth, and protect the vulnerable (Ephesians 5:6–11; Proverbs 31:8–9).

A simple summary for teaching and care

Keep these distinctions clear in domestic violence cases:

• Forgiveness: refusing vengeance and entrusting justice to God (Romans 12:17–19).

• Reconciliation: relational restoration only where repentance and safety are real and sustained.

• Trust: earned confidence built by long-term fruit, not demanded by words.

• Repair: repentance made concrete, ending control, accepting consequences, making amends without leverage.

• Healing: restoration of liberty, agency, and peace where safety and truth are protected (Luke 4:18; Ephesians 5:11).

May Christ give courage to name evil truthfully, wisdom to set boundaries without guilt, and patience to require fruit over time. May he give the oppressed liberty and steadiness, and may his people become a refuge: be quick to listen, slow to speak, and unwilling to protect darkness with religious words (James 1:19; Ephesians 5:11).