By Their Fruit: Seeing and Responding to Coercive Control

A call to see clearly, love courageously, and live faithfully.

When Jesus warned that we would “know them by their fruits,” he gave us a profound diagnostic tool — not only for discerning teachers but for seeing truth in human relationships. The new primer By Their Fruit: Seeing and Responding to Coercive Control applies that teaching with clarity and compassion to one of the most hidden and harmful sins in our families: coercive control.

This 23-page guide is freely available at hear-believe-act.org/by-their-fruit. It is a must-read for anyone who wants to understand domestic abuse from a scriptural perspective, to respond wisely and safely, and to help make ecclesias and homes places where coercion cannot hide.

1. Why This Primer Matters

Too often, ecclesias and families only recognise “abuse” when there are bruises or police involvement. But, as this primer explains, long before bruises, a pattern traps a spouse — and often the children — in fear, confusion, and dependence. This pattern, now called coercive control, is a deliberate and sustained campaign to dominate and limit another person’s liberty.

It may look like “concern” or “headship.” It may hide under piety, politeness, or even tears of remorse. But the fruit reveals the truth.

The aim of By Their Fruit is to help us see what is really happening and respond as Christ would — with love that protects, truth that exposes, and justice that reflects the heart of God. As By Their Fruit says, “Repentance is measured by fruit, not by words or outward appearances.”

This is not a social trend or a humanistic crusade; it is biblical discipleship. Scripture honours the oppressed and restrains the powerful (Proverbs 31:8–9; Micah 6:8; Matthew 23:23). To walk past coercion in silence is to “pass by on the other side of the road.”

2. Understanding Coercive Control

The primer defines coercive control as a pattern of abusive behaviours over time to create fear and deny liberty and autonomy.

It is not “anger,” not “communication problems,” and not “mutual conflict.” It is a project of domination — a strategy designed to entrap, isolate, and erode the freedom of another human being made in God’s image.

These behaviours include:

• Isolation from family, friends, and community.

• Surveillance of messages, finances, or movements.

• Micromanagement of daily life under the guise of “care” or “stewardship.”

• Intimidation, humiliation, and constant correction.

• Religious manipulation or “weaponised spirituality.”

• Economic control — rationing access to money or essentials.

The Wellers summarise this pattern through the Power and Control Wheel (adapted from the Duluth model) alongside a scriptural “fruit test.” When you see fear, secrecy, confusion, and shrinking freedom, you are not seeing love. You are seeing the works of darkness.

3. The Scriptural Lens: The Fruit Test

The foundation of By Their Fruit is the repeated biblical command to judge by fruit.

“For no good tree bears bad fruit… each tree is known by its own fruit.” — Luke 6:43–45 “Bear fruits in keeping with repentance.” — Luke 3:8 “You will recognise them by their fruits.” — Matthew 7:15–20

Applied to relationships, this test becomes both simple and profound.

• Does this relationship produce peace, safety, joy, and mutual growth?

• Or does it yield fear, secrecy, confusion, and shrinking agency?

Christ’s Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).Coercion produces fear, deceit, shame, and despair. The difference could not be clearer.

The primer calls ecclesias to teach this test openly — in youth groups, marriage preparation, and elder training — so that the fruits of darkness can no longer hide under the leaves of piety.

4. The Counterfeit of Headship

One of the most striking sections of By Their Fruit dismantles the misuse of “headship” to justify control. True biblical headship, the primer explains, looks like Jesus washing feet, not demanding obedience.

“Headship in Christ is not control. Christ-like headship nourishes and cherishes; coercive control is un-Christ-like.”

Paul calls husbands to give themselves up for their wives’ good (Ephesians 5:25–28). Peter commands understanding, not domination (1 Peter 3:7). When “headship” is used to excuse fear and coercion, it has become a counterfeit — the Project of Control in religious clothes.

The primer helps readers distinguish servant leadership from sin disguised as authority. It urges elders and teachers to ground their examples in the humility of Christ, not cultural “masculinity” or entitlement.

5. Why the Problem Is Often Gendered

While coercive control can happen to anyone, the primer acknowledges that most cases involve men controlling women. This is not ideology but observation. Across society and within faith communities, men generally hold more power — economic, social, and theological.

When “headship” is misread as a licence to command, when “submission” is taught without the counterbalance of mutual love and self-limitation, an abusive system can masquerade as righteousness.

The Wellers do not argue from feminism but from faith:

“Justice, mercy, and faithfulness are greater matters (Matthew 23:23). God hears the cry of the oppressed (Exodus 3:7). He calls His people to defend them (Proverbs 31:8–9). This is not secular power-talk. It is biblical discipleship.”

6. Fruitful Fatherhood and Protecting Children

By Their Fruit also exposes how coercive control distorts fatherhood. True fatherhood reflects God’s character — gentle, protective, patient. The controlling father, however, uses children as tools: to punish, spy, or advertise repentance.

Children living under coercive control are not bystanders. They are targets, and they carry harm into adulthood. Ecclesias must believe children’s voices, avoid forcing “reconciliation,” and prioritise stability and safety over appearances.

Jesus’ “millstone warning” (Matthew 18:6) demands we take this seriously. As the primer says, “Where Christ’s Spirit rules, we expect gentleness, patience, and no threats. Where coercion rules, we expect fear, secrecy, and discouragement.”

7. Seeing Through Fog: How Ecclesias Can Respond

One of the practical contributions of By Their Fruit is its guidance for elders and pastoral teams.

Controllers, the primer notes, are often skilled narrators — articulate, tearful, remorseful, and religious. Their apologies may be sincere-sounding but self-centred. Meanwhile, survivors often speak haltingly, fearful of causing trouble or being disbelieved.

The primer teaches us how to see through this fog.

• Believe first disclosures.

• Map patterns, not incidents.

• Separate survivor care from accountability.

• Use experienced, abuse-literate professionals.

• Avoid “joint counselling” until genuine change is evident.

• Embed boundaries and policies that protect.

This structure prevents manipulation and creates a culture where safety, not appearances, comes first. When ecclesias adopt these practices, “controllers find the system harder to game or exploit,” while “survivors gain language and safety.”

8. Measuring Repentance by Fruit

In many churches, tears and apologies are mistaken for repentance. By Their Fruit gives us a clear behavioural checklist to discern the difference between image repair and genuine transformation.

True repentance involves:

• Ownership – full confession without blame-shifting.

• Empathy – sorrow for harm, not consequences.

• Accountability – welcoming oversight and transparency.

• Safety choices – maintaining boundaries without protest.

• Structural change – ending control of money, technology, and narrative.

• Repair – making concrete amends without strings.

• Time – consistent change across months and years.

Only when these fruits appear can restoration be considered. Anything less is performance. As John the Baptist said, “Bear fruits in keeping with repentance.”

9. Misused Scripture and Better Practices

The Primer confronts how certain verses are weaponised to silence victims or excuse abusers.

• “God hates divorce.” True — but Malachi 2:16 adds, “He hates violence.” God hates what destroys covenant love.

• Matthew 18 and ‘two witnesses’. These passages assume equality of power. They were never meant to force victims into unsafe confrontation.

• “Forgive and forget.” Forgiveness is personal; access and reconciliation depend on verifiable change.

By re-teaching these passages with their full context, By Their Fruit reclaims Scripture as a refuge for the vulnerable, not a shield for the oppressor.

10. When the Law Names What Scripture Already Condemns

Many jurisdictions — including England, Scotland, and several Australian states — now recognise coercive control as a criminal offence.

The Wellers remind us that the law is a floor, not a ceiling. Even if behaviour is not yet prosecuted, it remains sin. Ecclesias should cooperate with lawful processes, support survivors who seek protection, and refuse to misuse 1 Corinthians 6 to block safety orders.

Paul teaches that rulers are God’s servants to restrain evil (Romans 13). Using the law to protect the oppressed is not faithlessness — it is obedience.

11. For Victim-Survivors: Living in the Light of Christ’s Fruit

Perhaps the most tender part of the primer is its message to survivors.

“Christ calls His followers into liberty. He proclaimed freedom for the captives and release for the oppressed (Luke 4:18). That freedom includes you.”

Safety and sanity come first. The marriage covenant was never meant to be a prison. You are not sinning by stepping away from danger; you are choosing life.

The Primer reassures survivors that protecting themselves and their children is not rebellion against God but faithfulness to His image. They remind us that Jesus and Paul themselves fled danger when threatened.

Healing, takes time. The fruit of the Spirit — peace, gentleness, self-control — grows again only when roots of safety are restored.

“Healing is not about proving your worth, but rediscovering that you are already precious to God. His Spirit is the gardener; your job is simply to stay in His light.”

12. A Vision for Ecclesias: Light That Exposes Darkness

In its closing chapter, By Their Fruit returns to its central metaphor. The test of Scripture is not how fluently we quote it, but how faithfully we live it.

“The true test of Scripture is its fruit. Justice, mercy, and faithfulness are the weightier matters. The oppressed are God’s concern. The ecclesia must expose darkness (Ephesians 5:11).”

Where the Spirit rules, coercion cannot thrive. Policies, reporting structures, and accountability processes are not bureaucratic intrusions; they are discipled love in action.

The Primer ends with a threefold call:

1. To leaders: Guard the flock; believe the oppressed; measure by fruit.

2. To members: Learn, support quietly, stop gossip.

3. To sinners: End the Project of Control. Seek fruits in keeping with repentance.
   

13. Why You Should Read and Share By Their Fruit

This short work accomplishes something rare: it bridges biblical faith and modern understanding without compromise. It is not theory; it is pastoral wisdom distilled from lived experience, scripture, and practical insight.

For survivors, it names what has been hidden and points toward safety, dignity, and peace. For elders and carers, it offers concrete tools — checklists, teaching methods, and language that keeps focus on fruit, not appearances. For the wider community, it is a manifesto: that the Gospel of Christ includes the liberation of the oppressed.

In the Primer’s words, “Our aim is clarity with compassion. We act as disciples following the Word, grateful when social science sheds light on what Scripture already names.”

14. The Gospel Call: Fruit That Endures

The message of By Their Fruit is deeply hopeful. Evil hides in darkness, but fruit grows in light. The same Spirit that exposes sin also heals the brokenhearted and transforms the repentant.

When ecclesias commit to walking in light — believing the oppressed, setting wise boundaries, teaching truth, and calling for deeds that match words — they become what Christ intended: safe, redemptive communities.

To read By Their Fruit is to be reminded that justice and mercy are not opposites. They are the two hands of love. The goal is not punishment but transformation — yet transformation only happens when truth is told and light is let in.

“Over time, communities that live by the fruit test become unsafe for coercion and safe for repentance — because boundaries and truth actually give sinners a real path to change.”

That vision is worth striving for.

15. Download and Share the Primer

By Their Fruit: Seeing and Responding to Coercive Control is freely available for download and distribution from:👉 hear-believe-act.org/by-their-fruit

It can be printed, shared, and used in ecclesial teaching, welfare teams, marriage preparation, or youth study settings.

If you read it prayerfully, it will open your eyes — to the patterns that destroy freedom, the love that restores it, and the God who calls us to bear fruit worthy of repentance.

Final Reflection

When we look for fruit, we honour the truth that what grows reveals what roots are hidden. If we see fear, secrecy, and control, the roots are rotten. If we see peace, freedom, and gentleness, the Spirit is at work.

May every home and ecclesia be known not for its leaves or words, but for its fruit —fruit that is good, right, and true.