How do we, as a spiritual community, respond to the voices of individuals who want to talk about a difficult issue? In this article Sister Fiona Bosly teaches us how to listen with head and heart.
Given some of the enormous problems that have recently arisen in our midst maybe it’s time to address this question and examine what Scripture says on the topic.
There are many situations, should they arise, that can make us feel uncomfortable. Within our midst there are women and children who are being exposed to and live with coercive control, domestic violence and sexual assault. As abhorrent as it is, children are being sexually abused by family members and/or acquaintances within the Christadelphian community. How would we respond should a victim try to talk to us about their experiences and trauma? What should we do and how should we behave towards them?
Blue Knot is an organization that supports victims of abuse. Recently Blue Knot published an insightful article in three chapters by ’Gaye’ who outlines the many ways that victims are silenced when they try to talk about their experiences around being abused. We, as children of the Living God, need to find ways to allow space for these voices, to help them feel supported and strengthened, and particularly when their spiritual journey has been or may have been compromised by a perpetrator.
Being heard and believed
One of the barriers in raising a difficult topic is being heard and believed. Many victims report struggling with whether to divulge the terrible secret they have carried for some time. Having overcome that barrier they finally report, only to be greeted with blank looks, or a turning away, minimizing their abuse or worse - to be blamed or ridiculed. This should not happen in our midst – anyone who finds the courage to talk about a deeply-personal abuse – must be given a hearing.
James 1:19 states “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak”. To listen means to pay attention, to listen closely. Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame”. Our Father hears the cries of the oppressed and the orphans (Psalm 10:18; 34:15; 1 Peter 3:12) and he hears the needy (Psalm 69:32-33) and by extension, we should also.. So listening deeply is the first step. We must engage head and heart when listening and when appropriate, with permission, we can ask questions, gently and with tact. We shouldn’t think we are entitled to be told the whole story – it is someone else’s story and they will tell us what they decide they can trust us with. We shouldn’t assume we know the whole story. We should be only willing to use the information entrusted to us in ways and to the extent we have permission to do that. Ephesians chapter 5 outlines God’s view on abusive and impure behaviours. However, in verse 11 of the same chapter, we are exhorted to ‘expose’ these ‘unfruitful works of darkness’.
God’s view of abuse
There are many references to our Heavenly Father’s view of violence and abuse. Although the term ‘abuse’ may not be found in the scriptures, God’s refers to the effects of abuse as ‘oppression’. Psalm 56 outlines the experiences of what it is like to be oppressed and the psalmist seeks the intervention of the Living God to rescue him. In Psalm 11:5 our Heavenly Father states that His soul hates him that loves violence. Again in Prov. 3:31-32 violence is an abomination to the Lord.
In the Old Testament in Deut. 22:26 the rape and abuse of a woman is condemned and is to be treated as if the perpetrator has murdered her. Such is the effect, on a woman, of the violation of her body. Equally for children. In Psalm 147:3 the Living God ‘heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds’, such is His compassion for their trauma. In Mark 10:13-16 children were brought to Jesus, so he could touch and bless them. Instead there were those who tried to thwart this process. What was Christ’s reaction to this? He became indignant and berated those who tried to stop the children. He stated that the kingdom of God belonged to those such as the children. So the vulnerable, oppressed and abused are cared for, bound up and protected.
Forgiveness
Many victims of abuse and oppression report that when they try to outline the behaviours of their abusers and the effects on themselves and their children, they are encouraged (if not instructed) to forgive their abuser. For the abused this can have the effect of silencing them and minimizing what they have been subjected too. It can rob them of the legitimacy of their claims and further can give support to the abuser.
God’s view on forgiveness
Numbers 14:18 makes it plain that despite His ability to forgive and although His love is abounding, our Heavenly Father does not clear the guilty. What might this mean? In Psalm 51 King David outlines his repentance towards God over his sin with Bathsheba. He first confesses his sin, and his utter helplessness, he calls upon God’s mercy to cleanse him and to help him create a new heart (a change of attitude). David is seeking forgiveness of God for the breach he has created, he wants to repair the relationship with his Heavenly Father and he wants to feel guiltless. Likewise John the Baptist in Matt 3:8 called on the Jews to “produce fruit in keeping with repentance”.
When we are confronted with someone’s experiences around violence, abuse and oppression, it it is not our responsibility to encourage the victim to repair the breach - it is not their obligation. In Deut. 23:15 the Israelites were instructed not to return a slave to his master if he had run away but to offer him sanctuary, wherever the slave chose. Likewise, we need to do the same, to protect, offer sanctuary and let the victim decide what is best for them.
Equity
What underlies all these behaviours is abuse of power. Despite the roles our Father asks us to perform, nowhere in Scripture does He indicate that one gender should be more dominant than another. Equity was built in from the beginning. Gen. 1:26-27 God states that He will make man in His image. Then in verse 27 He states ‘so God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them’. In Prov. 2 God asks us to cry out for understanding and wisdom, then in verse 9 He shows some of the elements of understanding and wisdom – equity being listed there. Gal. 3:28 also speaks of equity as does Romans 8.
When supporting a victim of abuse and oppression we need to remember that the Living God is encouraging us to help another of His children. He wants us to reflect Him “the LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, who will by no means clear the guilty’ (Ex.39 v,9).
If you haven't looked already, please take the time to read the Blue Knot Newsletter Articles by 'Gaye'.
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