“Are We Demonising Men?

Domestic Abuse, Bias, and Telling the Truth in Love

Every time we speak or write about domestic abuse, there is a familiar kind of response.

The words vary, but the concern is much the same:

“Are you painting men as monsters?”

“Isn’t this all very one-sided?"

“What about the men who are hurt by their wives?”

“Women lie too. Isn’t this unfair?”

Sometimes that comes from a sincere desire for fairness, a reluctance to see anyone, male or female, written off. Sometimes it comes from people who simply have not seen what abuse looks like up close. Sometimes it comes from a man who has genuinely been sinned against.

Underneath it sits one anxiety: If we speak plainly about male-perpetrated domestic abuse, are we demonising men and radicalising women?

We want to answer that as honestly and carefully as we can.

We are not talking about “all men” and “all women”

We do not believe all men are abusers. We do not believe all women are truthful. We know that some husbands live with selfish, destructive treatment from wives. Some will have their own stories of mockery, manipulation, or physical intimidation. Those experiences are real, and they are sin.

When we talk about domestic and family violence, we are not working with cartoon characters: perfect women and evil men. We are dealing with human beings who share the same flesh and the same capacity to sin.

The reason our work so often focuses on men’s violence against women is not because we think women are pure and men are rotten. It is because, when we look at the pattern of serious abuse (long-term coercive control, fear, entrapment, physical and sexual violence) the overwhelming majority of cases are husbands harming wives, not the other way around. That is true in wider society and, sadly, it has been true in our own community.

To pretend otherwise, in the name of “balance”, would not be fairness. It would be untruthful.

Scripture’s “bias”

When we open our Bibles, we do not find a God who is neutral in the face of oppression. We find a God who leans toward the vulnerable and places strong obligations on those with power.

“Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.” (Proverbs 31:8–9)

“Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.” (Isaiah 1:17)

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19)

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)

God’s “imbalance”, if we want to use that word, is not against men as a class. It is a bias toward protecting those most likely to be harmed, and holding to account those most able to cause harm.

In the home, that weight falls particularly on husbands. Men tend to have greater physical strength, greater financial power, and in many cultures greater social and religious authority. When that power is used selfishly, the impact on wives and children is profound. When it is used sacrificially, it becomes a shelter and a blessing.

Patterns, not stereotypes

Part of the confusion in these conversations comes from blurring the difference between patterns and stereotypes.

A stereotype says, “All men are like this”, or “All women are like that.” A pattern says, “In the situations we are dealing with, this is what usually happens, and we must act accordingly.”

When we say that domestic violence is overwhelmingly perpetrated by men against women, we are talking about patterns of harm, not making blanket moral judgments about every man and every woman.

Patterns matter because they shape wise decisions. If we know that in a particular kind of case most serious abuse follows a certain line, we are foolish if we insist on acting as if every situation is a fifty-fifty coin toss. That is not neutrality; it is negligence.

At the same time, we are wrong if we let that pattern blind us to the exceptions. There are husbands who are genuinely being abused, or fathers who are falsely accused. They also need justice and care. Wise shepherding tells the truth about the pattern and remains open to the exceptions.

Why do we teach about men’s violence against women

Why, then, do we keep returning to this particular theme?

Because of what it does.

In coercive, controlling relationships, the husband usually has greater physical strength, greater control over money and housing, greater credibility in ecclesia and family, and often uses scripture to tell the wife to submit and not to “dishonour” him. By this he really means "subjugation" and "domination". Over time that combination can lead to a wife losing her freedom and sense of worth, becoming fearful of her husband and of displeasing God, and feeling she has no way out and no one who will believe her. Some begin to doubt their own sanity.

Meanwhile, he still has options. Proverbs 21 gives us a striking picture. Faced with a quarrelsome or contentious wife, the “worst case” presented for the man is that he moves out of the shared space:

“It is better to live in a corner of the housetopthan in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” (Proverbs 21:9)

“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” (Proverbs 21:19)

That is a long way from what is sometimes called “reactive abuse”: a husband responding to his wife’s behaviour with violence, even to the point of her death. Scripture assumes that if a man fears he will sin, he can remove himself. What he may not do is terrorise or harm her.

When we describe this dynamic, we are not saying that all men are dangerous. We are saying that when men abuse the power they have, the effects on women and children are uniquely destructive, and we must take that seriously.

What about the men who are mistreated?

We also need to say this clearly.

Men can be victims of abuse. Some women do lie. Some women are controlling, cruel or unfaithful. Some men reading this may recognise themselves as the one who is demeaned, manipulated or physically hurt.

If that is you, your pain matters. You are not less deserving of care simply because you are male. You are not called to endure sin in silence so that we can protect a statistic.

Acknowledging male victims does not make it unsafe or biased to focus, in a particular piece of work, on male-perpetrated abuse. When a doctor writes about a disease that primarily affects one organ, he is not claiming that the rest of the body is in perfect health. He is saying, “This is where the danger is in this context, and this is what I need you to see.”

In the same way, when we write about husbands who abuse wives, we are talking about the part of the body that is currently most at risk. That does not erase other stories. It simply sets the focus for that conversation.

How suspicion of women creeps in

One of the most damaging side-effects of the “what about men” reaction is the way it quietly turns suspicion onto women as a group.

Statements such as “women blatantly falsely accuse and play the victim” or “many brethren are very ill affected by the behind-closed-doors conduct of their wives” may describe particular situations, but they are often thrown out without evidence and without context, in discussions that are actually about men killing, strangling, terrorising or entrapping their wives.

Over time that has predictable effects. Sisters who are being abused hear the message, “If I speak, they may think I am one of the liars.” Arranging brothers begin to second-guess themselves: “Is she exaggerating? Is this just another difficult wife?” The ecclesia as a whole becomes just a little more hesitant to believe women’s disclosures and a little more eager to explain them away.

That is not balance. It is a failure to obey Proverbs 31, which tells us to open our mouths for those who cannot speak for themselves and defend the rights of the needy.

What we are trying to do

So what are we actually trying to do in this work?

We are trying to tell the truth about real patterns of abuse. We are trying to protect those who are vulnerable, because Scripture tells us that is part of faithful discipleship. We are trying to call men to Christlike, sacrificial love and to a use of strength that makes their homes safe rather than fearful. We are trying to equip arranging brothers and pastoral workers to recognise abuse and respond with wisdom and courage.

What we are not trying to do is condemn men as a class, or teach that women are always right. We are not trying to give anyone — male or female — a free pass for their own sin. We are not trying to stir up hostility between men and women.

We believe it is possible to be honest and compassionate at the same time: honest about patterns, compassionate toward individuals.

When we use examples and language that focus on male-perpetrated abuse, it is not because we enjoy criticising men. It is because the reality on the ground, and the weight of Scripture, both point us there.

A better way for men

Finally, a word to brothers.

Scripture does not call you to be ashamed of being a man. It calls you to offer your strength in the shape of Christ.

Paul describes his own ministry in parental terms:

“We were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children… like a father with his children, exhorting and encouraging you.” (1 Thessalonians 2:7–12)

That is the pattern: gentle like a mother, steady like a father, laying down your life rather than taking someone else’s.

When we speak against domestic abuse, we are not attacking manhood. We are attacking a counterfeit of manhood that hurts women, damages children and dishonours Christ.

Our hope and prayer is that more and more brothers will reject that counterfeit and become men whose wives and children can say, without hesitation, “In his presence, I am safe.”